But enough about good movies! Last night Zime saw a really bad one!

Immortals (2011)


Rotten Tomatoes Score: 36% (I think it should be even lower!)

We knew it would be bad just from the previews we saw in the theaters last year, but dang. It was exactly how bad we thought it would be. Just terrible.

Story:

Okay, so I watched this movie... and I have no idea what the story was. At all. It meanders like no one's business.
I'm beginning to think they decided to save money by not writing a script. Maybe they just filmed people saying things and hoped it would lead to an ending?

According to rotten tomatoes this is the story:

"The brutal and bloodthirsty King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) and his murderous Heraklion army are rampaging across Greece in search of the long lost Bow of Epirus. With the invincible Bow, the king will be able to overthrow the Gods of Olympus and become the undisputed master of his world. With ruthless efficiency, Hyperion and his legions destroy everything in their wake, and it seems nothing will stop the evil king's mission. As village after village is obliterated, a stonemason named Theseus (Henry Cavill) vows to avenge the death of his mother in one of Hyperion's raids. When Theseus meets the Sybelline Oracle, Phaedra (Freida Pinto), her disturbing visions of the young man's future convince her that he is the key to stopping the destruction. With her help, Theseus assembles a small band of followers and embraces his destiny in a final desperate battle for the future of humanity"

I guess that's what was going on, but really, I had no clue.

There were a lot of unintentionally funny parts in this movie, too. Like: the bad guy apparently likes to keep his men in line by hammering in their privates.
There's a moment in the movie where the cheap "girl" of the film disrobes... and her butt is facing the camera. And it was HUGE. It took up like, half the screen. And that's when I knew for sure, without a doubt that this movie was ass.

Characters

Crap. There's no development for any of the characters. Like I said; it just seemed like they were filming people saying things.
On the hero's quest, he picks up a few people who follow him video-game style as he travels to places I don't know or care about.

The Hero: Boring. I guess they hired the actor because he has a "hot body". I'm not exactly sure why everyone is worked out like crazy these days for movies. It's so unrealistic. I laugh every time a guy takes off his shirt these days.

The Girl: Boring AND pointless. At the very beginning they called her the "virgin oracle", and I was like: "Ugh. Here we go. One guess who she's gonna loose her virginity to."

The Thief: Boring, pointless and vile. And for some reason the thief also has an extremely worked out body. Like stealing gives you abs like that? I don't think so.

The Priest: WTF. He was hanging around for a little while, then he just disappeared. I asked my brother what happened to him, and he said he died. I guess I blanked out during his death scene or something.

The Bad Guy: Hilarious! I couldn't understand half the things he was saying because of his "evil, gravelly voice".

The Gods: All young and beautiful with worked out bodies. Booooring.

Costumes

HORRIBLE.

Here are some pictures:



Music

I honestly can't remember if there was music...
Except at the end. There's an absolutely gut-wrenchingly hilarious moment where the hero's son has a vision, and it's going to this crappy rock-and-roll music. Ugh. So brilliant in its crappiness.


Do I recommend this movie? NO. Only if you're fascinated by bad movies like I am. Hehe. There are no redeemable qualities to this movie. I wish I could tell you more about it, but because I had no idea what was happening in it, you're on your own if you decide to watch it.